The Ugly Truth About You: Part 1 | Part 2
She was only 21 when her father agreed to get her married. He trusted that you will be a good man towards her, her father trusted you and gave you his most dear and valuable daughter to be with you as a trust, regardless of how hard it was. You have her now, and you are entrusted with the family who granted you their flesh and blood in an oath with Allah that you will take care of her. Your father in law gave you his own daughter under Allah’s name and religion.
The father asked once ‘My son, what will you do if you get either upset or angry?’
The response was a lie, it was said: ‘Well, I will take it upon myself, or I will leave till I calm down’
The father in law said ‘Son, married life has disagreements, there is no life without any ups and downs, promise me you will not abuse or hit my daughter when she is yours’. That was agreed and promised. You may ask who this person is, not me because you see I never promised, well, when you say I accepted to marry her under Allah’s book and His prophet’s Sunnah, you were the one who promised and agreed to these terms. Indeed you agreed to way more than that.
Why do you use such power the wrong way? I will tell you why; you are weak, and indeed lie about your weakness, you want to cover the truth that you have failed to do things the right way. I say this all because I know the Prophet SAAW said: “whoever is forbidden from gentleness is forbidden from all the good.” Narrated in Sahih Muslim
حدّثنا مُحَمَّدُ بْنُ الْمُثَنَّى . حَدَّثَنِي يَحْيَى بْنُ سَعِيدٍ عَنْ سُفْيَانَ . حَدَّثَنَا مَنْصُورٌ عَنْ تَمِيمِ بْنِ سَلَمَةَ عَنْ عَبْدِ الرَّحْمَـنِ بْنِ هِلاَلٍ عَنْ جَرِيرٍ ، عَنِ النَّبِيِّ قَالَ: مَنْ يُحْرَمِ الرِّفْقَ ، يُحْرَمِ الْخَيْرَ
حدّثنا عبدالله حدَّثني أبي حدثنا عفان قال: حدثنا حماد بن سلمة قال: أنبانا يونس وحميد عن الحسن عن عبدالله بن مغفل عن النبيّ صلى الله عليه وسلّم قال: «إن الله عزّ وجلّ رفيق يحب الرفق ويعطي على الرفق، ما لا يعطي على العنف».
Also narrated by Ahmad bin Hanbal in his Musnad
The Prophet SAAW said, “Allah is gentle, and He loves gentleness, He gives reward, results and fruits for using gentleness what He will never give anyone for being violent and aggressive.”
People who abuse, hit and beat, and make everyone around them suffer, these are signs of the people of the hellfire. Prophet SAAW said one of the signs of the people of hell is that they are tough, aggressive, foul mouthed, negative and arrogant people.
Do you not have mercy upon your own soul?
Are you aware that the people who use physical approach are the ones who are limited mentally? You see, when you have no means of choices and options to solve a problem with your mind you use your hands, if you were a true man or woman of mind and religion you won’t use your hands, rather you would ask Allah what is best and do that instead.
When a woman asked advise from the Prophet SAAW to help her choose one out of three men, who asked for her hand in marriage, he named one and said “not this one, because of this stick on his shoulder, it’s used to hit women.”
حدّثنا يَحْيَى بْنُ يَحْي : قَالَ: قَرأْتُ عَلَى مَالِكٍ عَنْ عَبْدِ اللّهِ بْنِ يَزِيدَ مَوْلَى الأَسْوَدِ بْنِ سُفْيَانَ ، عَنْ أَبِي سَلَمَةَ بْنِ عَبْدِ الرَّحْمنِ عَنْ فَاطِمَةَ بِنْتِ قَيْسٍ ، ؛ أَنَّ أَبَا عَمْرِو بْنَ حَفْصٍ طَلَّقَهَا الْبَتَّةَ، وَهُوَ غَائِبٌ، فَأَرْسَلَ إِلَيْهَا وَكِيلُهُ بِشَعِيرٍ، فَسَخِطَتْهُ، فَقَالَ: وَالله مَا لَكِ عَلَيْنَا مِنْ شَيْءٍ، فَجَاءَتْ رَسُولَ اللّهِ فَذَكَرَتْ ذلِكَ لَهُ، فَقَالَ: «لَيْسَ لَكِ عَلَيْهِ نَفَقَةٌ»، فَأَمَرَهَا أَنْ تَعْتَدَّ فِي بَيْتِ أُمِّ شَرِيكٍ، ثُمَّ قَالَ: «تِلْكِ امْرَأَةٌ يَغْشَاهَا أَصْحَابِي، اعْتَدِّي عِنْدَ ابْنِ أُمِّ مَكْتُومٍ، فَإِنَّهُ رَجُلٌ أَعْمَى، تَضَعِينَ ثِيَابَكِ، فَإِذَا حَلَلْتِ فَآذِنِينِي». قَالَتْ: فَلَمَّا حَلَلْتُ ذَكَرْتُ لَهُ، أَنَّ مُعَاوِيَةَ بْنَ أَبِي سُفْيَانَ وَأَبَا جَهْمٍ خَطَبَانِي، فَقَالَ رَسُولُ اللّهِ صلى الله عليه وسلم: «أَمَّا أَبُو جَهْمٍ فَلاَ يَضَعُ عَصَاهُ عَنْ عَاتِقِهِ، وَأَمَّا مُعَاوِيَةُ فَصُعْلُوكٌ لاَ مَالَ لَهُ. انْكِحِي أُسَامَةَ بْنَ زَيْدٍ» فَكَرِهْتُهُ. ثُمَّ قَالَ: «انْكِحِي أُسَامَةَ» فَنَكَحْتُهُ، فَجَعَلَ الله فِيهِ خَيْراً، وَاغْتَبَطْت
The role of Shaytaan
You see that alone was enough for the Prophet SAAW to tell her not to marry him. However shaytaan leaves no opportunity and will do what it takes to make you a loser, by creating an unclear discussion, which will result in a fight. When shaytaan witnesses that you are about to see the truth about yourself, what we will he do? He will say “Well, did not Allah mention in the Quran to beat them?” (4:34). He has wrapped you around his finger by making you think Islam permits such an act.
What is more frustrating is that this ayah in the Quran is used incorrectly, as if there is nothing else in the Qur’an which advises on the relationship between a husband and a wife. What about the love, mercy, care, loyalty that Allah addresses in so many Ayahs like 30:21 where he states relations are of peace, respect, care and mercy, or like 9:71 addressing the true loyalty between the believing men and women, and full trust, or what about 24:23 where Allah curses on any one who speaks ill of good women, or 33:58 where He promises hell for those who seek to harm the believing men or women. Therefore what is more harmful than oppression, domestic violence and causing house members to suffer?
How can you or anyone run away from all these and more? Allah teaches us to save ourselves and our wives from the hell fire and to take their hands to paradise and be a support for them. Also who said that anyone can interpret the Quran his way or your way? Allah said establish prayer in the Quran, and no where does it say how or when, it is the Prophet SAAW who explained the Quran for us.
And the Ayat you may use to defend such an ugly act is actually against you for several reasons
1- The Ayat speaks about men who fear the “Nushooz” of their women and “Nushooz” means women who go out with other men which is haraam, or they betray their husbands and disobey them in what Allah wants and not what they want. In such cases still the Quran states to first speak effectively to them, this alone may take a year of gentle work.
The husband should create pressure by separating for a while in the same home and place. Then the hitting part YOU choose is unacceptable. The Prophet SAAW himself defined hitting; he said it is an insulting act. You may tap the hand of a woman the way you would tap the hand of a child who steals. This is for women who reach a level of cheating and sinning and have deviated from deen. Still one cannot hit his wife as people now do against what was defined in the Sunnah. Some never even apply any means of gentleness and what is worse is that the ones who use this Ayat, their wives are not bad people at all, not a woman from those who are cheating on her husband. So to even apply that which does not belong to their matter, please ask yourselves how do you justify this which is not necessary?
2- It is shaytaan who makes you feel it is necessary to act violent towards her in order to change her for the best. It is him, shaytaan whom inspires the ugliness to take over and create issues to damage and destroy any Muslim family who may become good and useful. He uses you for that, yes you are his trap and tool for such evil deed.
أخبرنا محمدُ بنُ إسحاق بنُ إبراهيم مولى ثقيف ، قال: حدثنا أَحْمَدُ بنُ سعيدٍ الدَّارِميُّ ، قال: حدثنا أبو عاصمٍ ، قال: حدَّثنا جعفرُ بنُ يحيى بنِ ثوبان ، عن عمِّه عُمارَةَ بنِ ثوبان ، عن عطاء عن ابنِ عبَّاسٍ أنَّ الرِّجَالَ استأذنوا رَسُولَ الله في ضَرْبِ النِّسَاء، فأَذِنَ لَهُمْ، فَضرَبُوهُنَّ، فَبَاتَ، فَسَمِعَ صوتاً عالياً، فقالَ: «ما هذا؟ قالوا: أَذِنْتَ لِلرِّجَالِ في ضَرْبِ النِّسَاءِ، فَضَرَبُوهُنَّ، فنهاهم، وقال: خَيْرُكُمْ خَيْرُكُمْ لأهلِهِ وأنا من خَيْرِكُمْ لأَهْلِي .
Narrated in Sahih Ibn Habban “Men asked the Prophet SAAW permission of hitting women for giving them a hard time, he did so and permitted them, when he was asleep he heard a loud cry, he asked ‘What was that?’ They said ‘You permitted men to hit women so they hit them.’ The Prophet SAAW then forbade that in full and declared to them, ‘The best one amongst you all are the ones who are best to his wife, and I am the best to my wife.”
Woe to you, the one who lies and claims hitting is the way of the Prophet SAAW when he never once hit his wife, except with his small MISWAK, a small stick less than 3 inch long that can never be painful or even counted as what is called hitting. He never was aggressive or mean towards any of them, and never as you claim with the beard and cloth, which does you no good when you are not truly following him.
How will you answer to Allah when He asks you that your Prophet SAAW last words before death was “Fear Allah in women, fear Allah in women, and be gentle to women.” How will you answer Allah when Prophet SAAW said , “Fear Allah in women for you were entrusted to have them in Allah’s word and name, treat them gently and be nice and shelter them and feed them.”
How will you answer Allah in His book when He said: “If you keep them treat them with good (Ma’aroof) and if you divorce also be good and do ihsan to them.” This means even at the time of releasing them; you need to make sure they receive the best of your gentleness and good treatment with respect.
O man of power, it is easy to oppress but it will not be easy to face Allah with this. The ugliness slowly becomes rooted in you and becomes addictive, the more you repeat it the more it becomes easier, save yourself from the hellfire by adjusting from the wrong to the right.
Seek forgiveness from Allah and start to make a change; do not feel you will be at a loss just for compromising with your wife what is hers and her right.
The price of Jannah (paradise) is all about losing not winning, He who chooses to win, he will lose and he who chooses to lose will win. The more you sacrifice for Allah’s sake, the higher you will be placed, the more self-centred you become the more you lose. Whoever gives up to Allah out of fear, Allah will give ease to him for the true ease. Jannah would not be for whoever only cares for himself. “We will ease for him the way to hardship.” (92:7-10)
How ugly of you that you have the power of being so nice to all people except those nearest to you, how will you face Allah with that and you were the reason why they use to hate Islam and deviate. Islam is meant for them you and you were the cause of their pain, and who wants the pain? Indeed pain is what you will surely gain and the wrath is what you will attain for becoming that dark spot on Islam’s forehead.
Finally I will tell you Allah gives chances and he expects you to repent and swear you will leave the act of domestic violence towards your wife and kids.
“And those who have done bad deeds and oppressed themselves (by oppressing) and they backed off and asked forgiveness, they will be accepted and admitted to His mercy.” (4:110)
Reflect! Wake up the true believer with in you, act as Allah wants you to act, you may say I am oppressed, and I will say unto you, what the Prophet SAAW said, “If you are to choose between being the oppressed or the oppressor, choose to be oppressed, and if you are to choose to be the killer or the killed, be the killed, for this world is short and soon we depart, and true victory is for those who chose to lose and sacrifice for His sake as He wanted His way.”
May Allah awaken your heart open your eyes, clear your ears, so you see and hear and accept the truth.
Shaykh Abu Nahla has been teaching for 26 years in the field of Dawah and Tarbiyyah. He studied Islamic Shariah in Palestine and the Sciences of Tasawwuf in both Palestine and Egypt. He obtained several Ijazahs from his well-respected teachers and has become a leading expert in his field. He has also become known for conducting unique Quranic Tarbiyyah intensives.