Any grain of love and trust and hope that I had for him and our marriage broke at that moment.
That moment was when I began to suffer from what I was diagnosed with later as Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. That moment began to haunt me with feelings of anxiety, abandonment, betrayal and just a huge black hole that submerged me into complete darkness.
As he drove away… my mind went into chaos. I couldn’t think clearly. I was so hurt that as I was calling people to help me – all I could do is scream down the phone at them. I even called him and all I could is scream. I called my family – all I could do is scream. No words – just sheer terror and fear in my screams.
My family called him and ordered him home and he came back. He came upstairs to me and all I could do is scream. I finally got some words out… “How could you leave me? How could you leave me when I’m in labour???”
The strangest thing is…that he couldn’t understand why I was so upset. Why him driving away was so wrong when I had just told him that his baby was on the way? His reason to leave me was that he needed to buy something.
Once I was calm enough, I fell into a type of passive mode. I just started going through the motions – like I wasn’t even there. I called the midwife because my contractions were now three minutes apart – she told me to come straight to the hospital.
We went and the baby was born. Only because he was premature he ended up in intensive care. My mother in law never came to the hospital apart from once. She took her selfie with the baby and off she went.
It took over a week before we were discharged from hospital. We came home and I noticed my Mother in Law had packed her bags. She wasn’t due to go home for another six weeks because the whole point of her being here was to help.
The next morning my older child got ready for school, and I noticed my Mother in Law got into the car too. It was odd but I thought nothing of it. I came downstairs for breakfast and all her possessions were gone. I never saw her again.
My husband was on paternity leave, so when he came home alone, I thought of asking him where his mother was but I thought maybe its best not to. From that moment on and throughout his entire paternity leave he would not speak to me. He would not help me with the baby. He would not help around the house. He would just play pathetic nasty little mind games on me all day long. I would cry and wail in sadness at the way I was being treated. He would come into my room, stare at me and leave when I became quiet. He was punishing me for someone else’s crimes.
When my Health Visitor came, the first adult who was willing to talk to me for days, I poured my heart out. She was mortified. She gave me her personal mobile number and told me to call her if I ever needed help.
She came daily to check up on me because she was so worried about my mental health. I told her the truth… I simply wanted to die but the only reason I wouldn’t take my own life was because I wasn’t selfish enough to leave my kids in the care of my husband and his family.
A lot has happened since then. Time has passed. Fights have occurred. Battles have been won and lost. But now, with the support of my family, I have started to build up my mental strength again. Slowly I’ve loosened the grip he had around my neck. Slowly I’ve dismantled his dictatorship over the family and home.
I no longer wish for death. Now I wish for life, to achieve my true potential. I am seeking employment; I am taking my kids out to enjoy life and freedom and to be emotionally and physically well. Most importantly of all, I let my husband know loud and proud that I will never tolerate any abuse from him again.