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Survivor Story (Part 2)

Survivor Story: Part 1 | Part 2

I woke to his efforts as he desperately tried to revive me.

I was 18, young, strong and not ready to give in. Every time we would argue, I demanded answers and spoke back to him and this made him angry. I became ‘unruly, disrespectful, and uncontrollable.’ All the while I worked to save our marriage and maintained the household myself. I would buy new clothes and tell everyone he had bought them for me to keep up appearances. He was quite the charmer with my family and friends. I knew no one would believe me if I told them anything, after all I avoided my family more and more, and he would be the one to invite them over. My family thought I hated them, and I wanted to only be with my husband, all the while I was just hiding, afraid of losing him.

Several incidents took place soon after, where slapping became tradition. The slap turned into a punch which turned into a kick. And the floor became my ultimate home. It was not easy to hit me, I would often fight back.

A whole year of this, and yet it seemed I was more in love than ever before, because he would always beg for my forgiveness. He said he had problems and is going to get help. Said his upbringing was bad and he had no control. But he loved me, and couldn’t live without me. He had few friends and would spend every spare minute with me. It became a prison at home, but I still felt sorry for him. I was all he had, and he was all I had.

One such day we argued about gold jewellery. He wanted me to give up some of my gold for his brother’s wedding. This day was a typical day off of work for him. I cooked lunch for him and waited for him. We were speaking while he got dressed about the gold, I said I would gladly buy new gold but wanted to keep my gold to pass on to our daughter. Quickly it became violent, I tried to defend myself but then I saw our toddler walk towards him with a wooden spoon, this shocked me and I stopped defending myself.

This was the turning point for me, I had been so selfish, and we carried on without ever thinking about our daughter. I started to realise that belittling him was the catalyst for him beating me.

How little did I know! Despite everything I set a new challenge for him. I stopped yelling and obeyed his every word; I thought this would put our relationship at peace. If I saw an argument about to start I would start reciting the Holy Quran so he would stay away. He became agitated by this. He wanted me to be angry. I started to see a whole new side to him.

The whole atmosphere started to change in the house, he became malicious. He would hold out his leg to trip me at home, or burn me with cigarettes while I slept. Kick me off the sofa and say ‘honey are you ok? I was just joking’. But I wasn’t ready to react. I knew patience had its virtues, and frankly I became depressed and tired of fighting.

I was afraid of my daughter seeing me angry, so avoided anger at all costs. Nothing changed, he wasn’t paying for anything and we started to hate each other.

I saw less of my family and friends and became withdrawn. I would often contemplate suicide and even attempt, with failure. At this point neither of us had much of a social life. We were stuck with each other. The only time I would be happy was during his working hours and he would come home and ask why I was laughing? It became obvious he found joy in my misery. I prayed to Allah for release and cried day and night. In 2008 we visited his family on a trip to Bangladesh. His father passed away and I stayed to comfort the family. I also told them of my problems at home and they empathised with me and promised me solace. He was confronted by his family and was ashamed of how he had treated me. I was so happy he felt this way.

He apologised and begged me at my feet. I felt terrible and took him into my arms with love. We became close once again, and for me the storm was over.

I promised myself I would never let it go out of control again, I said that if ever he raised his hands, I would go to my family. He was afraid and we stayed happy for a few months. He started to pay bills, and bought me clothes. He took me to see my family and friends and we fell in love once more.

But the calm was short lived. He started falling back to his old habits, teasing me, mocking me and beating me as a joke. It was not as violent as before but never the less it was always hurtful. I became frustrated and attempted to notify my family.

One day I told them that he had hit me. They were shocked and asked me if it was the first time, I didn’t know how to answer and lied by saying yes, my family told me to stay with them and they called him over and demanded an answer. But he turned the whole situation around, said I was careless and wasted money. He admitted he lost his temper just this once, but cried his eyes out to them. He said I don’t look after our daughter, don’t cook or clean. I had gone on strike and was living on takeaway that week, so he wasn’t completely lying. I was so silly to trust him, I felt so silly. My family were disappointed in me and I was stunned. I went back and he warned me. He said no one wanted me, and if he left me, I would never be worth anything. I became so afraid of being alone I begged him to forgive me.

In November 2008 I received a call from my mother asking me to take my nephew to the hospital. I was getting ready and was getting my daughter ready but he refused to let me go. I said I had to go, he protested and I tried to leave. He became violent and hit me with much force which resulted in me leaving in an ambulance. This was a near death experience for me and the last time he would ever lay his filthy rotten hands on me. I told the hospital everything and he was arrested. Months went and my family felt terrible, for not seeing the signs, part of me blamed myself but I felt happier than ever knowing I had my family beside me.

Soon he had found a way to see my family again. He would beg every member and even me that he had changed, he would never hurt me again, and that he knows what he has done is wrong, that he missed his daughter. I was not convinced by a mile. I knew he only wanted to come back for his paperwork. He hadn’t received his permanent residence in the U.K yet. But my fate was so that everyone became convinced, (believe me he was convincing). I refused to go back, but it meant losing my family, so just to prove my point I took him back, got him his papers, and to no surprise, he suddenly wasn’t happy with me. Said I wasn’t the same! Within a month he walked. I have never looked back nor tried to stop him. The good thing was, he didn’t even dare yell at me let alone hit me again. I was a different woman now. I knew support was out there. I met many people while I was separated, at women’s groups and victim support. I became a woman in my own right, with independence no one could take away from me.

He has left me with 40% blindness and a whole lot of memories and insecurities, but also left me a beautiful daughter, to whom I owe my every happiness.

To this day he is still trying to make my life a misery by taking me to court on false accusations and trying to wreck my family. But he is failing and will continue to fail, because I am stronger than I have ever been. It’s been two years, and sometimes I pinch myself to make myself believe its real, I’m free.

I won’t lie, it’s been a hard and painful journey, I haven’t told you many incidents as, it is probably too sensitive, but I have experienced mental, physical and sexual abuse at the hands of this man!

I have found peace in my religion. I don’t hate him because he’s not worth even that. Its true there is a life beyond the hands of the abuser, sister, I have lived it, I am living it, alone but steady. I have faced the prejudices of society and continue to defend myself in some parts of the community; there is no shame for you or your family in leaving a man who does not value life. For life is a right, entrusted to you by God, you have a duty to protect the sanctity of life.

I live to tell you my story, to give you my hand, come let’s be free and fly the sky without limits.

With love

Your sister


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14 Comments

  • Mo Khan

    My salaam to everyone who reads my comment. I am also your brother in Deen and upon reading this story i felt so much anger and hatred towards this person, then i realise if i feel like this then the poor sister who had experienced this torture she must have been distraughted. However she is brave thanks to her Belief in Allah(swt). InshaAllah she gets what she wants and requires from this life and the Hereafter. Her story brought a tear to my eyes. I myself will be getting married in the next few weeks in the UK to a suitable partner that i have chosen through family and i hope Allah(swt) gives me the tawfiq to treat my wife the same way i respect my mother and sisters. This story has really touched me and i sincerly will keep this sister and her child in my duas…

    January 31, 2011 - at 12:29 am
  • abidul (shiPon mamu)

    if any coward like dat ever does anything like that to any of my sisters… mans gno be avin breakfast thru a straw…
    i feel for the sister though… inshallah well keep you and ur daughter in our dua’s and also all the other sisters who are gain through this sort of abuse…

    January 31, 2011 - at 9:15 am
  • Aisha

    JazakAllah khair sister for sharing your story. Alhamdulillah you are strong now, and will be a role model for others who want to take a stand against such wrongs. This was very touching, and I hope that you continue to live in Allah’s mercy and protection, ameen. Allah will deal with him.

    January 31, 2011 - at 6:40 pm
  • M.A

    jazakAllah khair for sharing this with us, no doubt took alot of strength to come out and share this with us. May Allah subhana wa ta’ala protect you from harm always and shine His Immense light into your life 🙂

    January 31, 2011 - at 9:54 pm
  • Shahrina

    JazakAllahu khair for sharing a really difficult part of your life with us – insha’Allahu Ta’ala your words will give many victims hope. Subhan’Allah, this shows how strong you really are, and how weak and cowardly he really is. May Allah bless you and your child in abundance for your patience, trust and belief in Him wa ameen!

    January 31, 2011 - at 10:07 pm
  • sehr

    A very difficult part of your life to share. I admire your strength and courage for sharing somehting so difficult. Only Allah swt could give you such sabr and strength. I pray that inshallah may you always have such strength and courgae and may allah swt always bless you with an abundance of happiness.

    February 1, 2011 - at 12:21 pm
  • Fathima

    and here i was thinking the worst of it was in the first page.
    This sister has so much courage, subhanAllah and to trust Allah like that, we are half the woman she is, may Allah make it easy for her to find someone who will love her, trust her, and treasure her for being the muslimah that she is. Ameen.
    To only read it brought tears to my eyes, for the sister to live it, she is subanAllah a solider. May Allah protect her and all other victims and may Allah (swt) protect any of our sisters or brothers for that fact to ever experience that. Ameen.

    February 1, 2011 - at 8:15 pm
  • sumera

    sister i completley sympathise with yoyr story your trials and your courage. i to have been through domestic abuse n i tell u nw it takes a lot of hope guts and determination to leave a man who in effect has control everything u do!
    subhanallah we both survived the brutal, inhuman and cowardly acts of the one person in the world you turn to in times of distress and need.
    inshallah allah swt will reward you for your courage and continue to help you and i to stay strong and never give up hope. there is always nour at the end of the tunnel

    your sister

    February 2, 2011 - at 12:00 pm
  • Rumi Begum

    As difficult as it was to read about part of your life sister, i cannot begin to fathom how it must have been actually living with your situation…this situation, regardless of the foundation of love, is harrowing with its sudden twist in your ex-husbands treatment of you…the strength and faith needed to live through what you have done must have been at times a flicker of what it is now…but may Allah swt continue to give you strength, peace and blessings inshallah..,

    February 2, 2011 - at 9:46 pm
  • Du

    May Allah aza wa jal protect you and your family from his evil plots and may Allah swt in all his power guide this man to repentance.

    I have seen a lot of abuse growing up. الحمد لله my mother has brought me up to be a strong woman. And I am a kickboxing trainer for ladies lol! But still, I know the abuse effects us mentally and emotionally above all. I pray to Allah to make our sons real men who treat their precious wives like a fragile glass and our daughters to have respect for their husbands like how the wives of Rasulullah (saw) had respect for him – an area I seriously need to work on!

    To all the women who walked out on these cowardly men, don’t for a second regret what you did. It was the right thing for yourself and your child. Don’t worry about how will you support yourself financially, remember that Allah aza wa jal is Ar Razzaq, The Provider. Make istikhara, put your trust in Allah and leave. If you can’t, leave for the sake of your child. Don’t allow them to be in that situation because they will either grow up to be like him or be extremely weak and fearful.

    My duaa goes out to all the courageous sisters. May Allah give victory to Islaam and return the caliphate, I promise you women will be treated like jewels then.

    April 22, 2012 - at 10:06 am
  • nura

    Assalamu aleikum sister…very sorry for your ordeal but well done for finding the strength and may Allah SWT bless you in dunia and akhirah, Amin…unfortunately men nowadays go into extremes different ways and forget that good manners and loyalty is heavier on scales than their beard or the way people see them…I had to walk away because of mental abuse…I am a revert and I believe the religion should be taken step by step not pushed on you by anyone…I urge new revert sisters to think twice before they quickly marry “super-religious” brothers as their long beard and Quran knowledge is not always the case sadly…may Allah SWT keep us on straight path whatever happens, Amin…

    June 29, 2012 - at 1:16 am
  • jan79

    Salaam I have only come across this site and just wanted to
    share, I am a Muslim mother of three children, and I have worked with women
    within the community who have suffered in the hands of their husbands and other
    family members.  I really thought that I would never come close to becoming
    a victim of domestic violence within my own family.  I married my husband
    at the age of 24 years old, we had a love marriage as we knew of each other
    from an early age but with our parents knowing that we liked each other but did
    not date we waited till the families we ready and we both were ready to
    marry.  Unfortunately when the time came my parents weren’t happy for me
    to marry into his family as they found out more details about his family, but
    by this time I wanted to marry him and did not want to marry anywhere
    else.  I left my whole family to marry
    into his family.

    Married life was a big shock to me to cut short my story at
    present my relationship with my husband is very troubled.  Only last Sunday my husband punched me in the
    right side of my body and winded me straight away as I was going down to my
    knees he kicked and punched me, he slammed my head against the central heating,
    he only stopped hitting me when he saw my face full of blood, he left me there
    on the floor crying, bleeding and shaking to see to my two daughters who sat in
    the dining room eating their breakfast, my son was upstairs washing to do wudu
    as he had his Arabic class.  I was dazed
    slowly got up and went upstairs cleaned my face and picked up my car keys and
    walked out.  It is a week on my little
    sister took me to the hospital as my breathing got worse and the pain all over
    my body was unbearable, I have 3 cracked ribs under my chest and I am
    recovering slowly.  I do not know what or
    where to go for help as I know I need help, please can someone point me in the
    right direction.

    July 10, 2012 - at 3:01 am
  • Huda Andrabi

    The right direction for you is the damn police!! Which country do you live in? If anywhere in the West, tell them EVERYTHING and that bastard will be lynched by the law. 

    Do NOT at ANY cost go back to him or allow your children to be in his presence. He deserves jail and may he rot there for eternity. 

    July 15, 2012 - at 11:31 pm
  • Du

    Jan79, I would love to help you and I’m sure many if us would but in order to do that we need to know which country and state are you currently living in?
     
    This guy definitely is not worth sticking around with. I think, in the mean time while waiting to get help, you should turn the tables around and show him that he can’t mess around with you however he wants to. Don’t settle for the times he tries to be all sweet and nice – don’t be affected by it. And whenever he tries to hit you, you be strong and firm and give everything you got – don’t ever show him your weakness. If you can’t find the strength and courage, do it for your children! You need to be strong and courageous – don’t hold back.
     
     
    Please let us know which state and country you are in and we will try to find you help. Also if you can email me at osmanumm@gmail.com and we can speak privately for your own safety.
     

    July 16, 2012 - at 5:45 am

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