No More Fear (Survivor Story): Part 1 | Part 2
I saw a recent post on the Nour website on facebook about a sister who had told her encounter of domestic abuse at the hands of her husband. I shed a tear as I was reading her story and it made me want to share my experiences to.
I was very young when I got married. I thought I was marrying the man of my dreams. I knew him previously and thought marrying him was going to be amazingly easy until it was actually happening. My husband stopped spending so much time with me and told me he had lost his job after an operation on his leg.
In the first year of our marriage I was living my mother-in-law and family, they never liked me but I tried my best to adapt to a new family and a new city that was miles away from my mum’s house. My sister-in-laws were like my own sisters who I am eternally thankful for and went to them when I had a problem but their hands were unable to help. My mother-in-law was horrible to me so much so that she even threatened to kick me out of the house for not cleaning it well enough when I was pregnant. I had a very horrible pregnancy and knew from the beginning that something was wrong. I was unable to go and see my family, friends and everyone I was used to seeing, which I saw as my husband looking out for me but this is where it was all beginning.
When our daughter was born my husband looked really happy and managed to find a house we would rent. He would not let my family come to see my little girl, I was only allowed to tell them 4 days after she was born, as you can imagine my mum was very upset and asked if I was ok. I said I couldn’t be happier.
He would not work and living on benefits with a newborn was tough really tough. It didn’t help that my husband went out with his friends took the last £10 I had for nappies and spent it on a night out with his friends. He stopped me meeting people, going to see my family, wearing any type of make-up, even went as far as telling me when I could have my bath. My life was now controlled by him. I didn’t have a sense of who I was anymore. Am I worth only this? I noticed he wasn’t even touching me or showing any affection! I would go to his family’s house and back and that was the only socialising I did (or was allowed to do).
I was at an appointment with my daughter when I broke down and told the health professional what I was going through, she told me it was mental torture. I didn’t get it at first. I thought he’s my husband and I’m supposed to do as he says. But there’s obeying your husband and there’s oppression. I was existing, not living. The social services visited unannounced to see how my husband was being with me on a regular day. The night before my daughter had been in hosp because of a tummy bug, she was dehydrated and needed a drip so we were all asleep. They said everything was fine and left. He argued constantly about everything and anything and things became worse after. He would tell me to cook his food then throw it on the floor and say “right, now clean it up!” He would sit there looking at me clean it like I was something he stepped in. I can honestly say at that point I hated him!!!
He would come into mine and my daughter’s bedroom at night (yes he didn’t stay in the same room, as he would talk to other girls on the phone during the night). My daughter would be next to me and cry as she saw me crying too. He would not stop though, he carried on until he was finished and left. I felt even though he was my husband I was being violated. I felt dirty.
He was having affairs, I saw texts, pictures and even found male contraception in his trouser pocket! I asked him about it and he denied it was anything to do with him. He would come home from going out with his “friends” and go straight to his room. My daughter saw less and less of him. The only time she saw him was when he was being aggressive towards me, she didn’t go to him much. When he held her she would cry! He accused me of doing black magic on her and our home! His mum wasn’t helping the situation as she suggested it was so!
He made me feed the dogs and do everything an owner does for their dog and once locked me outside and said “tonight you sleep in the kennel with the dogs.” I banged on the door and was screaming for him to let me in he just laughed and said “you’re a dog! That’s where dogs go!” I was then allowed in and walked inside as if he had said nothing. He would call me fat, call me names, tell me I wasn’t worth a penny and no-one cared.
We argued a lot about the running of the house, I was paying for everything and I didn’t think it was fair. We were supposed to be married!
My daughter was 18 months old and I told him I was pregnant again. He wasn’t very happy. Neither was his family. I didn’t drive and had to go from place to place by bus or walking, even though my husband who had a car went from place to place with ease in the car.
He started to get aggressive once and grabbed my arm then let go. When I told him I was feeling pain in my stomach or needed to go to the hospital which wasn’t walking distance he wouldn’t take me. I went to all the antenatal appointments alone and it was just me and my babies. I thought to myself this is how it has to be. Just me and my babies’ no-one else.