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Holding On (Survivor Story) | Part 2

Holding On (Survivor Story): Part 1 | Part 2

I do not know where the anger came from, suddenly I went crazy. I went to get knife to kill myself and my unborn child. The police came and my father got scared, he told my in laws to leave. I used my anger to take action. I did not leave my family home but took legal action. My husband was forced to give my divorce and my father was forced to accept my divorce because I wasn’t living in his house and my brothers were grown up so he couldn’t hit my mother on my account.

Friends and family told me as a single parent with children I was too old to remarry and too young to live alone. I didn’t get it; I was only thirty at the time. Anyway I wasn’t interested in men but I was amazed that there were double standards for male and female and the hypocrisy. In some communities men were marrying several girls over petty reasons. As British nationals they have a choice of any young virgins back home to marry and divorce & freedom of girlfriends to mess with. Even so called respectable elderly men with existing families were able to go abroad to marry young girls as young as 16 against their wishes and these girls families would happily agree and pay money for the chance that may be one day their daughter might get a UK visa or at least they will get his pension even if she suffers abuse at the hands of evil men.

During my time as a single parent I was once asked by one British Bengali brother as to why I did not ask my children before I ended my marriage and will I ask them If I remarry. I found him very ignorant and narrow minded. All my life I have been forced by my father, brothers and then a husband to make decisions against my will. I told him I was capable of making my own decisions as a 30 year old and knowing what is best for me and my children, I also asked do I not have my own identity and human rights, the same rights my creator gave me to live.

I hated all men for years and thought all men were the same till I was introduced to a divorcee, a Muslim man who shared the same experiences as someone who was forced into an arranged marriage. His ex wife left him for a boyfriend she was seeing and in process abandoning him and their child. That was the first time I had met a man who was hurt by another women. For the first time I was attracted to a man for his qualities. He was intelligent, broadminded, goodlooking but I was scared of commitment so I took my time getting to know him by phone.

My ex, after a number of years of absence, started to harass and stalk me through children’s contact meetings. He would intimidiate my children to get information out from them about our life. I had no support from my family or friends and I felt that the divorced Muslim brother that I had met would be my support and be a good guardian for my children so I accepted his proposal. After my marriage, my father left me alone with my new circumstances. My husband was a body builder and looked very strong and manly and when my ex saw him he ran like a dog with his tail between his legs. It is easy to hit a woman but to fight another man is not that easy. Five years later with daughters and sons I have found peace at home. My husband is a gentle man, a loving husband a doting dad and Alhamdulilaah a good role model for my children from my previous marriage.

I get very sad when I see friend and families in similar situations; they are so scared of their spouses that they deny they have a problem and isolate themselves from others. I know of one brother who married a girl from Bangladesh thinking a Bangladeshi bride will be a better wife then a British girl but his new wife had issues such as anger problems and self harm tendencies whenever she was not able to send the children’s allowances to her family members abroad, she would constantly go into rages. He was not able to leave her because he was scared to lose his children and lose face in the community.

A recent incident happened today. After a very long time, I had gone for a visit to my parents with my children. My mother asked me to sit and eat. My father came from work soon after. During a family conversation my mother made a general comment and my father threw into a violent rage. In front of us and his grandchildren he went towards my mum, who is now in her fifties, with a baby’s chair to hit her with whilst screaming the words do u want a divorce! I was completely taken aback because it had been quite numbers years back since he had his violent episodes. Over the recent years it was mostly verbal abuse. I went in the middle of them as a barrier but for the first time my mother reacted back. She egged him on to hit and to divorce her. She said this was final. As a mother, grandmother, and a mother in law she is will not stand for it. My father was taken back and like a bully he shrunk and left the room.

I was sad because my father had taken me back to the same place as a child to witness his violence but at the same time I was happy because I knew my mother has learnt to fight her own battles. I want to share with you this Surah from the Quran, Surah 13 Ayah 9 – 11:

“He knows what is hidden and what is open; the Almighty, the Exalted. It is the same whether any of you thinks quietly or speaks aloud and whether he is hidden by the night or is out in the day. With each person there are forces behind him and ahead of him coming in succession: they preserve him at the behest of God. Verily, God does not change people’s condition unless they change their inner selves. And when God causes people to suffer misfortune, there is no averting it, and they will not find any protector besides Him.”

Insha’Allah I hope all my brothers and sisters do not become a victim and change the circumstances they find themselves in and find peace because life is too short.

4 Comments

  • creamcake

    Sorry to hear about your negative experiences. Just bear in mind however that your second husband is not the biological father of your children from your first marriage and can never replace their biological father. Islam has clear and strict rulings regarding these matters and I suggest that this website may,in the future, look into the issues of child custody from a purely Islamic point of view. I have encountered many “blended” Muslim families and have seen first hand the chaos and relentless fitnah that has ensued as a direct result.

    November 30, 2011 - at 9:25 pm
  • Du

    MashaaAllah ukhti, alhamdillah you found somebody gentle and caring to be there for you. I am very proud of your mother who finally, after all those excruciating years, gathered the courage to react. She is a great and wonderful women, she sacrificied all for her children subhanAllah.

    And creamcake, that is a good reminder. I hope no one was offended by it, the sister only meant well. I too grew up with step dads but felt and treated them like my biological dad which was wrong. I wasn’t equipt with the ilm to go about the situation and was hardly reminded that they weren’t my real dad. I only started being close and meeting my real dad after 18 years. I regret it till today.

    April 22, 2012 - at 10:27 am
  • Ahsumon3

    Assalamu alaikum. I am replying to your response  regarding my experiences of growing up with abusive relations  . Years ago I let go of negative people but when I decided to  share my painful past knowing there will be some negative comments.I chose to do this to help others see the light at the end of the tunnel, to put their trust in Allah and to make steps to change their situation. Our lives means nothing to you but it means everything to us. 
    Being biological does not give anyone the right abuse your spouse and children. Dont judge our path if you have not walked my journey. Five fingers are not the same. Please do not compare step fathers. All step parents are not the same, a step parent is so much than just a parent they made their choice to love and take responsibility of healing broken mind and heart when they did not have to. You talk about the rights of the bioloical father but what about the rights of children to have a caring loving, positive adults in their lives, you forget children who grow up with violence are affected too and no children should have to suffer because the society says a mother should not divorce because she has children or children should live or have contact with parents who have the potential to harm them because they are biological. My  daughter’s biological  father is not in her life because he avoided his responsibility and hurt her emotionally. 

    I did not get support from my father and my children did not get support from their father even though they were in our lives. They made our lives miserable and not worth living. We lived with them without any choice. We struggled to build ourselves. I am asking you,  will they not be asked on the judgement day for shunning their responsibility. Relationships never die a natural death they are MURDERED by ego, abuse, behaviour, ignorance, neglect etc…
    Its high time we stop judging people based on our opinion. Sometime it is better to leave the people that hurt you then stay with them as it does more damage then good.Letting go of abusive relations allow the right people to walk into our lives.When someone cares for you they will try not to hurt you if they do you can see the hurt in their eyes. I know that because it happened to me. Time waits for no one.Theres no better time find peace and happiness.  You talk about ISLAM. The prophet. may Allah bless and give him peace gave the strictest orders with relations to the rights of others, he taught us the strongest of men are not those who are abusive but rather those that are compassionate and merciful. 
    You can’t live your life with negative mind. People do not advice sometimes all we need a a ear to listen and a heart to understand. I used to think the worst thing in my life is to end up with  a violent father like mines its not, the worse thing is to be trapped with nowhere to excape to. I recognise divorce is hard on everyone but sometimes it is the only solution. Children suffer and lose either way. Real parents support and try the best without being anyone, any religion or law telling them to. Being hurt is something that can’t alwasy stop from happening its part of growing up.

    October 3, 2012 - at 11:31 am
  • Nour DV

    Walaikum assalam,

    JazakAllah khair for your response.
    Please let us know if you would like to share your story as part of our campaign “Life – Share Your Story”
    More information here: http://nour-dv.org.uk/life

    October 8, 2012 - at 10:00 pm

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