I was new to Islam, I did not know how to pray, let alone having a wali and meetings etc, so when he asked me to marry him I was so happy, after all coming from a unislamic background I was so happy that I had found someone who wanted to marry me and learn the Deen together, raise a family and live as a normal Muslim man and wife. Perfect, I thought. I married when I was 21, I only knew about him from what he told me, his family never warned me neither did his friend who acted as my wali. So after a year of marriage, I remember the first time he went ‘missing’ I would ring his phone, he would ignore my calls and eventually block my calls.
I was stricken with grief not knowing where he was or if he was even alive, eventually he rang me and said he had been arrested, and could I transfer money into his bank so he could get a travel card home. So I did. Still he did not come home and I was so confused. What’s happened to him?? Is he OK? Alarm bells should have rang. But they didn’t, or maybe they did but I ignored them. Eventually he came home and I was hysterical, he admitted to me he had not been arrested and he infact has a drug problem, crack cocaine to be specific, he told me he has had this addiction for 16 years, still I had hope that it would just… Go away.
He would go missing every few months, always days at a time. And every time he came back he swore by Allah he would never do it again… I believed him. I fell pregnant with my first child, he went missing 3 days before I gave birth and returned the day before I gave birth. I fell pregnant with my second child straight away.. He was gone for literally a whole month while I was 5 months pregnant. In fact he was gone pretty much for the whole of my second pregnancy. I had enough at this point and packed my bags and left. My baby and I went to a hostel and got very ill, eventually his mum persuaded me to go back to him. How can I be a single mum, she would say. Plus at that time I had been so manipulated into thinking I needed him, I literally couldn’t bear to leave him.
I gave birth to my second child. Trying to be a mum and a supportive wife, but his mood swings and constant lying just so he could go on a drug binge, slowly started to weaken my eeman, and strip me of who I was. All I could think about was when is he next going to disappear. When would my purse be emptied or the TV taken to be sold. You may ask.. Silly girl, why did you stay? Why not get out before the children? Logical questions, the bottom line was I genuinely thought Allah would change him. Forgetting that Allah does not change the condition of someone unless they change themselves. I then fell pregnant with my third child and by this time my health was very bad I was losing huge amount of weight in the space of a few months due to the stress.
The morning I gave birth to my beautiful boy, that night we got told my baby had water in his lungs, and an infection so would have to go on antibiotics, I was very worried, hormones every were. Just needed support really. That night after he left us in hospital. He was gone for 3 days. Left my oldest two children with his mum and just gone. When I think about this time period wallah it’s so painful.. so so painful. I was so stressed I could not even breastfeed my baby. The kids’ grandmother would bring my other two for literally 10 minutes to see me then go. The doctors told me, as my baby was not feeding well his jaundice shot up sky high and would need to go into intensive care in an incubator. It was all too much, Alhamdulillah the kind doctor saw how visibly upset I was so he brought the incubator up to my ward. I couldn’t take my baby out as he had to be under the special light constantly.
He came back after 3 days. All apologetic, but something inside me had changed. I left hospital but I was dead inside. I had severe post natal depression. From the November to March I left my home 4 times. I didn’t cook.. I didn’t clean. I was just drained completely. 4 months after the birth of my baby, he walked out on me. He had had enough of me!! Left me for some girl!! I begged him to stay. Stay for the kids I said please don’t make me a single mum. He looked at me and laughed and said… I’m leaving you. He came back 4 weeks later for 5 days.. Then left me again because he couldn’t decide who he wanted to be with. The mother of his children… Or this new girl. He came back 2 months later.. Persuaded me to give it 1 last go for the kids. I reluctantly agreed, but my heart was dead. He destroyed everything. He eventually… Well after 6 weeks relapsed again.. and he finally realised the oppression he was causing to me.. So he gave me the final talaq. He left home.
Now he is wanting to see the kids, he does not provide for them at all, not 1 penny. But still demands his rights to see them. I do not know what his state is. If he is on drugs, so right now he cannot see the kids. They have seen and been through enough in there short lives and I need to protect them now from there toxic father. Allah knew the marriage was destroying me in every single way. Mentally/emotionally/physically and deenwise. Allah rescued me from severe oppression. Alhamdulillah. May Allah bless me with a righteous husband who will fear Him and lead me and my children to Jannah. Aameen