We had an odd relationship – He loved me, I know that and I loved him, more than anything in this world, but we just couldn’t work it out. We ended up hurting each other deeply and abusing each other. Never physical but we abused each other’s rights. I had a sharp tongue and I see that now – probably what pushed him away. I’d get frustrated at his lack of time for me.
It was heart breaking, I loved him more than life and I couldn’t imagine my life without him. Infact I became so attached to him that I feared a life which he wasn’t a part of. All communication stopped and we just couldn’t talk to each other politely anymore. I think he gave up on us before me. Maybe that’s another difference between men and women. I did try till the bitter end to get him to talk to me but it just wasn’t meant to be.
I hated him a lot at one point – hated the fact that he ruined my life. Hated that he told me he’d protect me from pain yet I was in pain every day, hated being treated like a no body, hated not feeling loved, but I don’t hate him. He was my first love. My husband. He was my world and everything in it. So how could I hate him? My home would have been wherever he placed his feet. Ineeded emotional support and with the lack of it, I just let my anger get the better off me. We just didn’t understand each other in time and so we departed, it ended very bitterly, and the bitterness would be my only regret. I wish we parted with love and compassion. With prayers for goodness for each other, but I do wish him well. I wish him the absolute best and nothing but the best. Wherever he is I pray he is happy and that he forgives me for my errors.
Today I found a gift that I bought for him. It was personalised and I hid it away to give to him on his birthday. With all the heart ache, I forgot I bought this. I put a lot of thought and effort into it and I remember when buying it thinking he will love it. I just looked at it and smiled. We had good, blessed moments and some really horrible ones. But I can look back now and reflect. Whenever I used to think of him, I had horrible pains in my heart, the pain of a broken heart is so destructive. I used to sleep thinking about him, my pillow drenched in my tears. Every alone time was in his thoughts and sadness. Now when I think about him, I smile. He taught me a lot. Whilst I would have loved to have spent the rest of my life with him, he wasn’t the one. He wasn’t my soul mate, and it was a harsh reality I had to face and accept. He was a lesson for me. He was a test which I hope I passed. I understand now why he came and went. God was building me for something better and bigger.
I think it’s important for every couple to go to a marital workshop before marriage or even during their marriage. In our society we don’t interact in a romantic way with the opposite gender and so we have no idea how the other gender behaves. For him, respect was the most important and for me it was making me feel loved and important. We both failed to give each other what we wanted and that slowly broke us down.
For all the men and women out there who are married or about to get married, if you feel you do not understand your spouse or the opposite gender properly, go to a marriage workshop, things are fixable so long as you both are willing to fix it. Hate and bitterness will only eat you up. Try and remember the good and let go of the bad. Be happy with how things are going because everything is going the way God planned and He knows best.