DV (Life – Share Your Story): Part 1 | Part 2
Then I remember. The pain starts rushing back in. The pain of rejection. The pain of sadness. The pain of being alone. The pain of reality. Why won’t everyone understand? They tell me everything will be alright?? NO! It won’t be alright! They say just to relax. How can I relax? My thoughts are now swirling and being convoluted by images of the past. I cannot think straight. I cannot seem to stop the thoughts. They are starting to build up and the noise in my head is deafening… I am afraid that someone else will hear it. I try to grasp onto one thought. I try to concentrate. I try to make it stop. Make it stop. Make it stop. Then I hear a noise. What was that? I then realize it was my own voice. I was screaming STOP! Please stop I mumble to myself. Please? I am weeping the pain is all too much to bear. How can life be this painful? How can it be? Where is the laughter? When will it come? It seems like years since I laughed. I wonder if I can still laugh.
The pain in my heart. The pain in my soul. The regrets. The words uttered in times of anger. The words slicing through me like a knife, cutting and gouging. Leaving my heart in tatters. Oh the words. Stabbing and twisting as they burn and parts of my soul and self-respect drip onto the floor. Oh, can I help you clean that up? No I retort. I got it handled. Why can’t I fight back? Why can’t I just leave? I’m afraid, so afraid…. What might happen if I leave? Will I ever survive? Will I make it? I have tried so many times before. I have left so many times in my mind… I have planned it out. I have made the arrangements. In the back of my closet is a bag I packed years ago when this all started. When I was stronger, when I tried to stand up for myself. I was okay then. He always apologized, he even brought me flowers and would give them to me with a giant kiss. He really was a man. He was a good man. I kept telling myself he just had a bad day at work. It must have been the traffic. In the beginning I was his princess. I was his queen. My crown was encrusted with jewels and made from the finest gold. As time went on, the gemstones fell out as his words cut at me. My once glorious crown was now a noose around my neck. A way of him controlling me. I made excuses for him and then I started to think that it must be me. That I must have said something wrong. After all that is what he said. He told me over and over that it was my fault he behaved this way. I was no longer the once svelte queen. I had gained weight. I would wake in the night and drown my sorrows in chocolates and ice cream as I wept. At these times I tried to figure out what it was that I had done that day to anger him. Was the food cold? Was I really as bad as he told me I was? I thought I was good. Then I realized that it must be me. He did not behave this way with others.
Shhhhh. You will wake the children. I would take it. I knew I was strong and could handle it. The slap across my face stung but I refused to cry. If I cried he would think that I was weak. I was strong and could take it… Bring it on I would tell myself. As time went on, the slaps were nothing compared to what I felt as he pushed me up against the wall. His hands clenched around my throat as I was gasping for air. Please I pleaded with him. Please stop. Tears filled my eyes. Please look into my eyes and see what you are doing. You are breaking me, you are killing what little self-respect I have left. You took my heart and ripped it out of my chest long ago. I watched as you tore it up. I watched as you threw it on the floor and then ground it into the dirt. Yes I watched you. Then you told me that I was no better than the dirt that you had just ground my heart into. Grinding and smashing it like a cigarette butt that was just dropped to the ground. You made sure that there was nothing left. My love for you died that day. I watched as you picked at my soul. Biting small pieces of it, tearing it, and then spitting it onto the floor. Days might go by and the wound would slowly start to heal and then you would scratch at it and make the wound even deeper than it was before. It slowly became infected and ate all of my soul, it consumed it until there was nothing left. That is the day I became the shell I am today.
I know I used to smile. Where have those smiles gone? They have been replaced by sadness and emptiness. It took a toll on me. A toll that I did not want to pay. The toll was my self-respect and dignity. Then you left… You said all that I ever did was cry. You told me that there was nothing to cry about. Little did you know that you had taken my very being and existence and had worn it down bit by bit. You destroyed me. Now that you have left, my life is even emptier than it was before. Slowly I stopped going outside. I started to sleep more and more. I did not want to get out of bed. The sadness and tears took over. I would wake and my pillow would be soaked with my tears. What happened? I could not stand to see the light anymore. I did not want to talk to anyone any more. I bathed in self-pity. Shame was the soap that I used. Then I would dry myself with self-loathing. I finally became what I am today.
Oh sleep, elusive sleep. Why do you taunt me? Hold on I will join you. Let me just swallow some of you. Maybe I need more this time. Yes I want to be with you longer this time. Oh there you are. As I close my eyes you are my companion once more. Please come take me into a world where there is no pain. Let me be your companion for all of eternity. Hold my hand and never let me regain conscious thought. Ahhh, there you are my friend. Let’s take a walk, keep me company for a while. You are the only friend I have left. You understand me and never judge me. Thank you my friend. That is the day that sleep and I never parted company. We became best friends forever…