DV (Life – Share Your Story): Part 1 | Part 2
Sleep oh wondrous sleep how I welcome you. It is the time when the thoughts stop plaguing me. If I could just stay asleep. If I never had to wake up. The pain all too much too bear. The pain never goes away. I call dull it for just a little while but it just comes back to haunt me once more. It never leaves me alone. Why? Why? Why? It just mocks me. It taunts me. It sits on the sidelines and cheers as I spiral further and further into despair. I cannot understand, I cannot conceive it any more. Reality just too much to bear.
That ringing, the incessant ringing. Make it stop! Every time the phone starts ringing it sends me into a panic. My heart skips a beat, my thoughts start to become jumbled. I want to answer it but I can’t. It is just too much. Who is it I wonder? What do they want? Is it another person asking for something I don’t have? No, I do not want to participate in a phone study! No I cannot pay you! Yes I am fine! Somehow they can see through me. Am I that transparent? If I don’t answer will it stop? Will all of the calls stop? How many times will it ring this time? Make it stop! Sorry I am not here, leave a message at the sound of the tone. Beep! Oh how that beep resounds in my mind. I have come to love it. I find solace in it. Then after that I do not want to hear what anyone has to say. I will not listen. I will not pay attention. I will just ignore it again….. My friend is calling and wanting to know how I am doing once again. Why don’t you answer? Are you alright? I have not heard from you in days. I am worried about you….
Then the doorbell rings. Are the curtains drawn? Don’t move. They might hear me. I stand still almost afraid to breathe. There it goes again. Please don’t you realize that no one is here? Just go away will you? I have become a piece of my décor. I am standing like a statue. Please go away. Please don’t ring it again…. Please….. Ding Dong! The sound echoes in my mind. It echoes and I cannot stop it… How long must I wait in this stasis? How long before I can move? It feels like forever. Can I just breathe a sigh of relief? Can I take a small step? What if the floor creaks and they hear it? I cannot risk it. I stay motionless. How long can I stay this way? I slowly turn my head to look at the clock. These few minutes seem like hours. I think they have gone. I will take a small step. I slowly move my foot, then I put my toes on point. The less mass on the floor the less noise I will make. As I put weight on my toes the floor creaks. OHHHHHHH!!!! What if they are just outside waiting? I pull my foot back and stand still once again. Five minutes have now passed. I think I will be okay. I think that they have gone. Let’s try this again. I slowly lift my foot once more. This time I am careful to set my toes in another place on the floor. Finally no sound…. I breathe a sigh of relief. I put weight on my toes and then slowly lower my foot onto the floor. Baby steps. I will take baby steps. I gently move my other foot and am no longer the statuesque figure that adorned my living room. Step by step. Do not make noise! These three words resounding in my brain. At last I am at the curtain. Don’t move it I tell myself. There is a small crack as light filters through. I can see the dust particles floating. I close one eye and I squint. There is just enough room that I can see the porch. No one is there. I survived it again. I breathe a heavy sigh of relief! I think I will lie down on the sofa. This way if anyone else comes then I can just stay there. I sit and then collapse onto the couch. I grab one of the decorative pillows and then I lay down. My tense muscles start to relax. As I close my eyes, I start to drift off into a day dream. I remember how guests used to come. They would sit and have a cup of steaming coffee. We would talk about mundane topics. Nothing of any particular value. Just relaxing and laughing. Passing the time and enjoying each other’s company. I remember it well. I can smell the acidic scent of the coffee. I can hear the clinking of the spoons as we sweetened our coffee. I remember. I remember. I start to drift off and am startled by some noise outside. Oh sleep why are you so elusive?
My mind is jolted back into the present. I resign myself to the fact that I am here in the dark all alone and hoping that I will be left alone. I can see the dust particles again dancing in the light. The light makes itself be known. You cannot hide from it. It finds the cracks and crevices and beams through everywhere. I remember as a child being told that the dust particles were fairies. My sister told me that. Oh how I miss her. Oh how I miss the days when life was so much simpler. When we would dream of the future and bright thoughts abounded. I wish I could see her now. Actually no I don’t. She would not like me this way. I have become a shell of myself. Afraid like a small child of every noise wondering if I will be consumed by the noise.