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Averting Anger

Dear Reader,

Nour has delivered empowering sessions, as promised, on healthy marital lifestyles. This may not solve all cases of domestic violence, but at least it aims to tackle the roots to prevent its occurrence, as it is better than cure. One of the seminars covered was based on managing anger, from which we have taken some important lessons and have managed to give you a more holistic view of avoiding conflict in the home. InshaAllah this benefits and reaches out to those who need understanding of behavioural relapses which causes anger and damaging results; and provides reassurance to those on the receiving end. Astaghfirullah, may Allah protect the women, men, the children and the vulnerable. Ameen.

Averting Anger

What we have come to know as humans, is that we may never master our natured emotions, but we can control the excessiveness of that which is harmful to us. Excessive anger is detested in our peaceful way of life; the life we want to have can be the life we have! But how can that be reached if our excessive anger interrupts our soundness, makes us imbalanced and intemperate? The one that has fallen deep into this wagon has blurred his incentives, so much so that wrong resolutions are made, which may affect the person feeling anger more than the person they are angry at.
How heat may penetrate is the same provocation of anger inside one’s blood, the reason mostly being arrogance; for a person is never angry at anyone who is higher than him. That said, the cure for this is to change the current state; if he is talking he should be silent, if he is standing he should sit down, and if he is sitting he should lie down- and that is taught to us by the teacher of all teachers Sal Allahu Alaihi Wa Sallam-this sunnah, a practice which not many of us operate on when we are angry. It would be better, if he is angry; to leave the one he is angry at, by removing himself from the place. He should also contemplate on the distinction of repressing anger for the sake of Allah, as Allah praises those who repress their anger; He said:

‘Those who repress anger and forgive other people for Allah loves those who do good’–Surah Ale Imran 3:134

Reflecting on this ayah should make the angry person question why this excessive anger may be occurring, is he in a weak place spiritually, and are his sins becoming easier to accept as nothing pinnacle! The heart is a beautiful and intelligent organ and therefore needs to be protected from anger from anchoring, it is vital to absolutely cut off any permanent residency.

The Messenger of Allah Sal Allahu Alaihi Wa Sallam said
‘The strong is not the one overcomes the people by his strength, but the strong is the one who controls himself while in anger’- Al Bukhari [8:34] and Muslim [2014]

Anger opens doors to all other evil. Many, in times of anger, break bones of those beloved and many even harm themselves in the process. Domestic violence IS one that sticks out like a sore thumb. The peak of anger should be eliminated, as no one wants to regret any actions resulting from anger. The sad reality is that those who realise eventually that they’re actions affect not just themselves, but also those around them, have to carry regret over their heads – for the rest of their lives. The one who envisages what he looks like when he is angry and what he looks like when he is collected, will know that anger is a state of insanity and excess, the quicker one realises the ugliness of what he is about to do out of anger, the quicker he will leave

Steps to Resolve Marital Discord

It is Shaitan’s mission to destroy marriages. Any time he can create a rift between a husband and a wife, he rejoices. The sounds of voices raised in anger are music to his hateful ears. Divorce is the ultimate victory for Shaitan.

There are several things we can to do cool our anger and defeat Shaitan:

1. Think about why you are really angry. Did you have a bad day? Did you have problems at work? It could be that you are mad at life in general, and not at your spouse. Sometimes our spouses are just convenient outlets for frustration. Instead of lashing out, turn to your spouse for help. If you open up, you will likely find a set of open arms and a sturdy shoulder.
If, on the other hand, you really are angry at your spouse, try to find the real root. Focus only on the issue and try to present it in a non-confrontational way. Try to lose some of the anger before you discuss the problem.

2. Pray together. There is something unifying about prayer. When both of you truly open your heart and let Allah in, prayer cleanses the soul. Prayer connects you to Allah, and to each other.

3. Read Qur’an together. There are several verses related specifically to marriage. Reading these can help restore happiness and love.

4. Reflect on what you have built together. Look around your home, think about your children. When we focus on what we have created, it is difficult to hold on to resentment.

5. As our resident marriage expert instructs, make a list of your partner’s attributes. It’s hard to stay mad when you are thinking positive thoughts.

Unsettled Struggles

Reassurance for the mind of those suffering

Remember that not everyone would have the warming attitude towards settling differences; it would be more about scoring points rather than resolving a problem with a win-win solution. If the situation is where criticism is thrown like daggers, nothing is pleasing, not exceeding expectations etc. then remember that if we don’t protect ourselves from these weighty harmful criticisms, we are well on our way into feeling depressed and somewhat responsible of failure. Keep your thoughts motivated on how you are doing your best, instead of feeling shame and guilt, which in the long run will give the criticiser that satisfaction of belittling you. The alternate to the extreme cases of where someone has trouble keeping a lid on their hostile actions which may end up in abuse; the best thing to do is immediately leave, go to a neighbours, go to a family member or friends, anywhere you know you will be safe.

Many Muslim women believe Allah will not accept a wife leaving her husband even if he is abusive, but ALLAH HATES ALL FORMS OF OPPRESSION. Reassure yourself that divorce is allowed in these situations, and it is adequate in the Qur’an which provides details on the manner in which a divorce should be conducted, yes Allah dislikes divorce but he has not prohibited it.

No marriage is ever perfect. Even the best partnership will have its problems. The trick is to keep anger under control. By remembering Allah and focusing on your mate’s positives, you can keep Shaitan at bay inshaAllah.

One Comment

  • Sara

    This could be a chain reaction for some, in denial, always hoping for the best, I can only imagine the level of patience someone can scope during a relationship which has anger issues

    July 9, 2012 - at 8:35 pm

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