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A Triggered Memory

I never thought one man would have the ability to affect so many peoples’ lives, yet still be able to get away with it. I never thought one man could ruin so many peoples’ lives, yet still be able to live happily; these people … are who he calls family.

Instilled within me is so much anger. Anger, which I never knew I had – erupts out from my soul each time I hear his voice, each time I see his face, each time I can feel his essence. My eyes never do meet his and my love never does embrace him.

His screams triggers all the things we’ve endured and seen – like a movie before my eyes, from beginning to end. They say to forgive and forget is the way to move forward – but the memories have been etched in so deep, with each of his violent episodes, those emotions resurface.

Sometimes a girl just needs her father – to complete the jigsaw. However some puzzles remain incomplete with missing pieces, such as my incomplete family – and nothing can fill this void except the Love of Allah. I take tomorrow as another day – another day to rebuild myself; another day to fill that hole until, insha’Allah, I’ll reach that stage of euphoria – where I will be nothing but content with His Love, when all my anger will perish and the vision of attaining Paradise will keep me going.

My faith and trust in Allah allows me to know that His promises are true, with hardship there is ease [1] and He is the best of Planners [2]. Knowing this world is only for two days and real pleasure is in the Hereafter, I pray that Allah grants us nothing short of Jannatul Firdous; where true harmony lies; where we will be nothing but content; where every hole that could not be filled in the duniya, will be filled in manifolds in the akhirah; where what we yearned for in this world, will be granted to us in the next.

I know He is the All-knower, All-Hearer and The Ever Watchful, and each time I call upon Allah He will respond [3]. Sometimes in these hardship and suffering, my faith is shaken; but I remind myself that Allah knows that which we do not and He knows what is best for us despite us thinking we know better [4].

I also realised he hasn’t gotten away with it, not a leaf falls but Allah knows about it [5] – we will be held accountable to every single one of our deeds [6] and as for being happy, then what happiness lies in knowing you are the sole cause of your family’s distress. May Allah change our hearts and incline it towards Him.

I’ll leave you with this beautiful du’aa that someone very beloved gave me, and I give it to you today:

“May every tear you shed, be crystals of Nour in the akhirah”

I Pray we all enter Jannah together; that all our sorrows and pains will become a means to purify ourselves, and I pray Allah makes things easy for us. Keep my family in your most appreciated prayers.
Love and peace

Feet in the clouds from Nour

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[1] “Verily with hardship there is ease” [Qur’an; 94:6]
[2] “And Allah is the best of all planners.” [Qur’an; 3:54]
[3] “Your Lord has said, ‘Call Me, I will respond to you'” [Qur’an; 40:60]
[4] “It could be that you dislike something, when it is good for you; and it could be that you like something when it is bad for you. Allah knows, and you do not know.” [Qur’an; 2:216]
[5] “With Him are the keys of the Unseen. No one knows them but He. He knows what is in the land and the sea. No leaf ever falls but that He knows about it, and there is no grain in the dark layers of the earth, or anything fresh or dry that is not recorded in a manifest book.” [Qur’an; 6:59]
[6] “So, whoever does any good act (even) to the weight of a particle will see it. And whoever does evil (even) to the weight of a particle will see it.” [Qur’an; 99:7-8]

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