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Father

Born into the hands of a tyrant,
You held me closely near your chest,
Enveloped me with your breath,
As I listened to the sound of your heart
Beat
Beat
Me,
And, that is where it all began.

Father remember how you held my hand,
To pull me away from the sidewalk
And put me right against a wall,
Then give me your permission to walk,
Because there I would find safety
You said,
Beyond this the world was not for me
You said,
Cars are unsafe and men are far worse
You said,
I was too vulnerable to protect myself from all this
You said,
So you would never let me go
You said,
You will take me to school every morning,
Wake me up with a scream in my ear,
Where someone, someday would whisper in the other
I would hope, to ease the noise I had to hear,
Right up until I was eighteen,
You dumped me in the world you claimed danger,
Because I was not worth congestion charge.

Father there I was amidst a sea of people,
Unable to do the things that you would do for me.
Unable, to buy my own food,
Unable, to buy my own clothes,
Unable, to access my bank account,
Unable, to be part of a crowd,
And not feel like the puppet
That is stuck to the strings that you pull,
How uncanny it was to feel
Unsafe away from your control.

Father you played my mind well,
Chasing my sanity away,
The kisses you blessed with your fists would not hurt
As much as the words you would bury in me,
The knife against my neck did not hurt,
As much as the roars you would greet me with,
Nothing could ever hurt me,
As much as the voice I had to hear,
Nothing could ever torture me,
As much as the presence I had to bear.

Father, I would never fight you back,
To avoid being the reason you are hurt,
I would always take what you gave,
Until you would tell me you are done,
Because I still have love in my heart for you,
The very one I have tried to harden,
The very one that only grew softer,
At my hope that you may one day change,
So that God will forgive all you’ve done,
And so that God will let me open the gates
Of the highest of heavens for you,
Where I can look into your eyes without fear,
And have the ability to feel
What it is like to have a father,

Father I want to be able to feel,
What it is like to have a father…

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